The Inevitable Bumps in the Road

"Jika bersedih hati, panggillah jiwamu dengan harapan sebagai janji kerana kebaikan bagi jiwa adalah adanya janji,
jadikanlah harapanmu sebagai perisai atas serangan putus asamu hingga waktu waktu akan menghapus kesedihan itu
tutuplah dirimu terhadap orang yang sering duduk bersamamu kerana mereka selalu iri dan mendengki
tidak perlu bimbang akan berlaku sesuatu, sebab ini akan membuat orang yang hidup mati sebelum kematian itu sendiri
kesedihan itu tak akan kekal, seperti juga kesenangan tidak akan kekal
seandainya bukan kerana hal yang mempengaruhi jiwa, pasti tidak akan ada hidup yang lurus bagi orang yang terjaga".....Don't Be Sad by Dr. Aidh Abdullah Al Qarni.

Allah tidak akan membebani seseorang melainkan sesuai dengan kesanggupannya. Surah Al Baqarah:286

"Manusia tidak akan mampu melawan setiap bencana, menaklukkan setiap derita dan mencegah setiap malapetaka dengan kekuatan sendiri. Kerana manusia adalah makhluk yang sangat lemah. Mereka hanya mampu mengahadapi semua itu hanya dengan bertawakkal kepada Allah; percaya sepenuhnya kepada pelindungnya, dan menyerahkan semua perkara kepadaNya. Kerana jika tidak demikian, jalan keluar mana lagi yang akan ditempuhi manusia yang lemah tidak berdaya ini semasa menghadapi ujian serta cubaan"....tafsiran dari Surah Al Maidah:23
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Something happened last Friday that made me feel so hurt and sad...so hurt that i cried buckets...now thinkin about it still brings tears to my eyes . I've never cried that profusely before....how could they do that to me.....what have i ever done to them that desrves this.....how will i survive..why are they so mean....i have given my all and is this what the give me in return.why do they hate me that much........these questions keep repeating in my mind......when i think of what those people said and would say I cried louder........I just can't stop my tears....Its like a burst dam......... Those closest to me panicked...nothin anyone said made the pain and hurt go away...nothin...I felt numb and betrayed...All i wanted to do is cry...role down and die.......In my maker I turn and to him I pour my sorrows and hurt...I found peace and that made it a bit bearable.....

I am slightly more composed now than I was that nite......as usual if anything bad happened I would go cut my hair.... I went to Saw in KLCC...had Edwin the director to cut my hair..shorter than it was before and i am very satisfied with the result....I did my padicure and manicure in the Nail Shoppe and my facial in SKII.....than it was retail therapy all the way....new working clothes from Cultivation, shoes from the high end Vincci, clothes from Nicci, new pair of jeans from Giordano... I even brought new undergarments from Marks & Spenser.....very costly therapy but I am happi........costly retail therapy I know....but at least when I go to the office on Tuesday I would look so good that people would drool and salivate.........akan ada yang bergossip tetapi ingatlah setiap umpatanmu itu pahala bagi ku.......Allah itu maha pemyayang and akan sentiasa memaafkan umatnye tetapi kesilapan manusia terhadap manusia yang lain tidak terampun selagi tidak diampuni oleh orang yang disalahi........I am being very vengeful but how not to? Like what Donald Trump said in his book "Think Big and Kick Ass"......."when someone screw you , you screw them back in spades"..this means when someone hits you, hit em back...HARDER...Likewise a piece of good advice from his wife Ivana...."don't get even...get everything".

I also re-read "Jangan Bersedih" hence the extract from the book as preliminary for this entry....I will not let this be a stumbling block and would use this to be better. I will walk softly and carry a big attitude....

In Him I trust my fate. I made a promise to Him and to myself that I will be strong...I will not cry. I will not let them have the satisfaction of seeing me cry...never ever....I will not loose hope....come what may insyaalah I know that everything will be ok....... It hurts a lot now, that i can't deny and I am trying to not let it effect me so.......My war has began....my faith in ALLAH as my guide and with the love of my family and those few whom i trust, I will survive this and i will prevail......

Tired

I am very de-motivated with everything that has been going on in the office. I am frustrated because i feel as though I am in a ship with no captain..We are all sailing aimlessly and many are fighting for the captain's position. The apple polishing that's been going on made me feel so sick that i feel like vomitting..I am lost for words and all I can say is may ALLAH bless all of us..

I now know how bad office politics are and how demented all this people could be. All the back stabbing and scheming against everyone that they use to call friend...Its unbelievable and scary at the same time as I could not imagine how evil a person could be..when I say evil I really mean it.....like devil reincarnate..

I am lost for words with whats happening that I m more inclined to just keep quiet and talked to only those closest to me in the office and just work...work n work...At times I just can't do it...no mood to work and all I can do is stare at a blank computer or surf the net....when that happens I will most of the time call Abossa and whine....as usual....he alwiz know what to say to make me move my butt and bz my draggy day with work...there are actually tonnes to do......if that does not work he would allow me time off to just have my little walk to clear my mind......

My little walk would usually be to the building accross to see magazines or to my car to hear the loudest music ever or to the 8th floor to see Tina.....talking to Tina alwiz make me happi...we laugh a lot......loads and loads....we gossip about the "not so bright fellow"....it is in in red because this dispecable person is driving everyone off the cliff poor old me especially.....he is a wolf in a sheep's skin......i know that it is sinfull to talk bad about anyone but.........i can't help it...if i keep this inside I'd probably die......everythime he passes by...[thats like selalu because he has to pass my table if he wants to go out] I feel the urge to throw up ....[its better than what i felt about him weeks ago-canibal like feeling of throwing anything i have in front of me at him.....Tina has advised me to keep all sharp objects in a safe place...]..

This creature has caused a lot of people unhapiness and distress with his conduct...very vindictive person....he is unleashing his frustration on the "so called imaginary injustice" that he felt was done to him and going after those he thinks are the cause of it or related to the cause......he has forgotten that in his quest for revenge a lot of people are also effected....innocent people......I know that this is a bitter entry but to keep it inside me is causing me ulcer....I just hope n pray that the long awaited new person would come as soon as possible before what was achieved in 5 years would just be gone in a matter of days.......

But despite the gloomy office situation...somethings are changing for the better....alhamdulillah....

Do my socks comes in pair?

I am currently reading this book by Cecelia Ahern entitled A Place called Here...its a sweet book....about a women's search for that missing piece in her life........

Quotes from the book that is really meaningfull to me....i read them n it made me feel that someone out there understands and that made me feel contented and not alone....

"How do u feel when u r searching n searching but u still can't find whatever u r looking for?"

"The feeling of searching is like a feeling of knowing something is missing in your life but not being able to find it no matter how hard u look"

"Perhaps it would be easier if i said that not being able to find something is like suddenly not remembering the words to ur favourite song that u knew by heart. Its like suddenly forgetting the name of someone u know really well and see everyday, or the name of a group who sang a famous song. Its frustrating that it plays on ur mind over and over agin because u know theres an answer but no one can tell u it. It niggles n niggles at me n i can't rest until i know the answers"

"sometimes people can go missing right before our very eyes, sometimes people discover u. eventhough they've been looking at u the entire time. Sometimes we lose sight of ourselves when we're not paying attention. We all get lost once in a while, sometimes by choice, sometimes due to forces beyond our control. When we learn what it is our soul needs to learn, the path presents itself. Sometimes we see the way but wander further and deeper despite ourselves; the fear, the anger or the sadness preventing us from returning. Sometimes we prefer to be lost and wandering, sometimes its easier. Sometimes we find our way out. But regardless, alwiz we r found"

Bye

crowded or clowded

Have u ever felt that there is so many things dancing in that little mind of urs that u just want to spill it out...that is what i am feeling right now......my mind is so crowded that i am so clowded....i am not making sense am i?my brain is working overtime and it is so tiring.......

Bear - we met last weekend and talked about things. How i miss my bear..we decided that we would go through the changes together i.e not just cut ties but remain together as close friends...my prayers have been answered...really am very happy...we have to adapt with the changes and the most important of all is about the new circles of friends that we both have made these past few weeks...whatever and whoever makes bear smile would make me happy as well...with Allah's blessings and guidance everything would be ok...janagn marah marah bear....sabar lah....

Pumpkin - I miss her...i know that she misses us as well......hari tu dia demam and that worries me so so much.....take care little one..

Board-finished all 10 papers for Board finally tapi am getting so so lazy...abossa pun perasan..esok harinya for Board...all together ada 50 papers to be tabled....berasaplah otak directors....i doakan agar abossa tak kena "tembak"....

Nana -SPM is esok and i am worried about her...dia panicking seperti biasa tapi i know that she would do just fine....tak lulus kita kahwin kan je ..he he he....Mok ada sedia menanti.......i know Nana's reply..."akak tunggu anti".....my advice to her is "if sayang tunggu anti alamat berjanggutlah jadinye"....a long wait darling......try your best k Nana...anti doakan all the best....

Ayin - pun ambil exam macam nana...tapi have been a bad anti for her...i have lost touch...would try to be a better anti......pumpkin...please sms her number...anti takdelah....

Sis- worried bout her transitional period....taknak orang buli dia...benci org buli my sister....her patience would pull he through...

Afrina-kenapa lah minah sorang ni taknak pergi sekolah...would pay a visit to the school and do a spot check....apa masalahnye...she is so smart and it kills me when she refuse to go to school........like she is afraid of it.......ntahlah....

Abg Is- my second brother....i am so angry with how he is dealing with his life...he is my brother and i luv him but he has to be more in control of his life....let go of the ego and admit that u need help....how to tell him that...i am not avoiding him because i hate him...how could one hate their own flesh and blood? i am avoiding him because i am angry and sad...sad at how things turn out for him...and how he refuse to move on.....

abossa-he has been a blessing to me...i must have done something good in my life...my guardian angel...alwiz have my best interest at heart...bila marah tu lain ceritalah...nangis air mata darah pun dia tak kan peduli...pasal kerje lah...tapi as a friend he is one in a million....worried about the effect of the changes to him .......pary that all will be ok.......

Me-sometimes the loneliness kills...i know that ALLAH sentiasa ada and that i should find my way back to him...tapi the loneliness sometimes buat i takut.....takut yang teramat sangat..ramai oarang tapi masih rasa lonely...would i be like this for the rest of my life.....if i die now ada tak orang yang akan mendoakan kesejahteraan i di sana...adakah ALLAH akan mengampuni dosa dosa i yang sebanyak butiran pasir di pantai?

Tapi i know that i patut rasa bersyukur....masih sihat, ada ramai friends that cares...macam Dilla...found new friens yang selalu buat i ketawa and happi...Linda and Nana...ada family yang sayang i....ada nieces and nephews..boss yang amat mengambil berat.Bear yang selalu menyayangi i.....Alhamdulillah

one step at a time

Hurry up and wait

So close, but so far away

Everything that you've always dreamed of

Close enough for you to taste But you just can't touch

You wanna show the world but no one knows your name yet

Your wonderin' when and where and how you're gonna make it

You know you can if you get the chance In your face theres a door keeps slamming

Now you're feeling more and more frustrated And you're getting all kind of impatient waiting

We live and we learn to take one step at a time

There's no need to rush It's like learning to fly Or falling in love

It's gonna happen and it's supposed to happen that we find the reasons why one step at a time You believe and you doubt You're confused, you got it all figured out

Everything that you wished for Could be, should be, would be yours If they only knew

But when there's no end in sight and when u need the strenght,remember its the Faith that keeps us going.

I luv this song....One Step At A Time by Jordan Sparks....when i feel down, lost and lonely i repeatedly listen to it and it kinda motivates me....that is what i did for the past few days...listen to it over and over again....loads of things on my mind and it bugs me...like some unresolved mystery.....like trying to put the last jigsaw piece and realise that it does not fit....can't sleep and alwiz blur.....both work and personal life are topsy turvy....i need answers...i need peace and contentment..I NEED A BEAR HUG.....i have faith in ALLAH and what he has in store for me......some BIG change is going to hit the office and i am not sure whether i can handle it...i worry about me..and i worry about abossa...i worry about the mischief those 2 at the office is going to create.....the effect of "it" to all of us......i m learning to be at peace with whatever that is going to happen and move on...but the worry still remains..........things happened for a reason and i know i harus bersangka baik dengan apa yang ditakdirkan ALLAH...

My personal life?.....messy......so messy that i rasa numb......i miss my comfort zone....i miss bear...i miss pumpkin.......i miss the feeling of being in control.....i feel that i am in a battle and i have bullets coming from all direction.........i have nowhere to run but to take it all in.....Have faith...I keep chanting that and i know there is light at the end of the tunnel....i pray that the "journey" would have an end soon and the heart would stop bleeeding silently......

During this troubled and confused time, i received an sms from someone.."Come what may, I will still take care of u.Don't worry k"...the words of comfort brings tears to my eyes.....he who has more to worry about is comforting me.....i know together with our maker's guidence we will b ok...we will face the greatest challenge of "our "life together...We will SURVIVE" and we both are not ALONE...

"The Reason"

"The Reason" by Hoobastank is a song full of bitter sweet memories for me....tapi ni bukan nak cerita pasal lagu tu tapi pasal the word itself..."the reason"...remember masa entry yang lepas i wrote about "kehilangan"?..how it made me so so sad...

31-10-2008 on an average was not a good day to me...i know takde istilah good day or bad day tapi if u r in my shoes u would think so too...memula hilang HP than the Court Covened Meeting under Section 176 of the Companies Act yang i attend tu became out of hand wherein the purchasers that attended became very hostile...they insist on speaking Mandarin only...Mandarin? sepatah haram pun makcik tak faham...abossa pun tak faham...our liquidator hanya faham tapi tak boleh speak fluently...macam itik and ayam story.....macam attending mesyuarat MCA and buat i rasa macam di Hong Kong all over again.....tapi alhamdullillah semuanya ok...the vote for the scheme went through and hopefully the Court would sanction it.....

Lepas tu masa di airport i tak boleh nak check in...had to go to the ticketing counter to check.....masa beratur tu the guy yang kat depan i tu did not get the 6.40 flight and had to buy the 1-11-2008 punya flight...apa lagi panik lah i and abossa..tapi alhamdullilah after approximately 20 minutes of checking dapatlah juga....itupun masa untuk boarding dah nak tinggal nyawa nyawa ikan....selamatlah makcik balik......

On the way back called my sister...tahu yang dia mesti risaukan call tak dapat dapat...finally dapat selepas banyak kali dapat tapi masuk voice mail....dengar suara dia i jadi terus panik and risau.....decided there and there that kena balik Bangi...lagipun with all that has happened sepanjang hari ni tak sanggup nak balik rumah Bukit Jalil....and duduk sorang.gile jadi nye nanti

Sampai je Bangi I found out that my dearest sister was transferred...she has been transferred out....she is now the new Sessions Court Judge in ----------------. Dia sedih because she has to leave the "Palace" ....tapi i am certain that things happened for a reason and i am certain that the reason is a good reason........

Malamnye i could not sleep....events that happened the whole day kept repeating itself.....selalunya if things like this happens 2 orang yang selalu jadi mangsa untuk mendengar isi hati and isi perut i....Ijan and Pumpkin.....tapi macam mana nak call...H/P takde...??sob sob sob...me miss u all...miss all of u so so much.....jadi i took out a book that i have left with my sister to read.....tak tahulah if she finished reading it......"The Last Lecture" by Randy Pausch.....

The book was my all time favourite....its about life....its about a dying father's wish for his children..how he tried to put the principles he holds dear to his heart..... about life...in a bottle that would wash up on a beach for his children......telling them of stories of his life to teach them how to lead theirs....to remind them that he loves them...about him telling his wife to be strong and to move on.....and also to thank her for her undying love and support....its a book about living....

There is this quote yang i suka "the brick walls are there to stop the people who don't want it badly enough.They are there to stop "the other people"..it is also there for a reason....they give us chance to show how badly we want something".....i read it over and over again and it gives me this warm glowing feeling....STOP FEELING SORRY FOR URSELF AND MOVE ON......

So if you have the chance...please read it...it will move u as it moved me...stilll does even after reading it for a "i don't know how may times sudah"......will post the picture nanti...

Bila selesai reading the book i rasa amat lega and sleepy..."tiada sehelaipun daun yang jatuh tanpa pengetahuan ALLAH"...that means ALLAH maha mengetahui and that semua yang terjadi ada hikmah tersendiri...cumanya kita tak nampak the reason....tapi percayalah whatever the reason... is it is for the best...

"Terimalah apa yang Aku kurniakan padamu dan jadikanlah dirimu dari orang-orang yang bersyukur"......Surah Al Araf:144

Kehilangan

Something happened when i was in JB for a meeting.......lost my H/P...sesiapa yang kenal i pasti akan tahu yang H/P tu ibarat my life....kepada orang yang mencurinya my message is..."ALLAH itu maha mengetahui dan akan memakbulkan doa orang yang teraniaya...dramatiklah pulak kan?....tapi that H/P banyak menyimpan kenangan manis for me....important numbers....pictures of my luv ones......lagu lagu yang mengembalikan nostalgia....gambar MBG 9484..rasa macam patah sayap bila takda H/P macam hidup ini tak lengkap.............i cried and cried and cried tapi i know that nothing can bring it back....macam hilang laki lah pulak.....when "abbossa" came i started crying again.....ni tengah pujuk my sister untuk belikan yang baru......hopefully berjaya.....doakan lah ....early birthday present...Amin

Jodoh

something happened yesterday just menambahkan ketakutan i terhadap institusi perkahwinan...u thought u kenal inside out the one u married but in truth u hardly know him.....comitment without marriage vs marriage....debatable i know but men being men bila dah kahwin sometimes would change...some lucky ones have a marriage made in heaven tapi some....sigh.......

"JODOH"
Jodoh tiada kaitan dengan keturunan. Hanya belum sampai masanya. Ia bagai menanti jambatan untuk ke seberang. Kalau panjang jambatannya jauhlah perjalanan kita. Ada org jodohnya cepat sebab jambatannya singkat. Usia 25 tahun rasanya belumlah terlalu lewat. Dan usia 35 tahun belum apa2 kalau sepanjang usia itu telah digunakan untuk membina kecemerlangan. nyatakan perasaan dan keinginan itu dalam doa2 lewat sembahyang. Allah mendengar.

Wanita baik untuk lelaki yang baik, sebaliknya wanita jahat untuk lelaki yang jahat. Biar lambat jodoh asalkan mendapat Mr Right dan biar seorang diri drpd menjadi mangsa lelaki yang tidak beriman kemudian nanti.

my first entry!

Been wanting to start my own blog for a long time but never found the time and courage to do so.....but this time put my butt down and started.......so here goes.....